Here in the Pacific northwest it's almost spring. It's the season where the temperature of the rain shifts and suddenly the daffodils are poking above the mud, not quite open yet, a periscope checking to see if winter has cleared out.
Sunday was a glorious pre-spring day, the kind I call the February tease. And I was so happy, just giddy in that sing out loud kind of way. The kids and Bob and I all working together inside and out, no big line between work or play or what had to be done. Just really enjoying being at our place on a beautiful day. Being together.
It's not quite time for most planting, though I did get the peas in the ground on Sunday. They may get frozen out yet, but the point is, I got them planted. They're in the ground. And it's been years since I actually got peas in the ground before the start of April, much less March.And, let's tell the truth. The real thrill is that I am here to plant them. I have enough energy, I have enough strength. I am still here.
So, I am thinking a lot about seeds, and planting, and seasons turning. I am also thinking about the big wheel of life turning: while this February brought an unexpected death of an old friend, it also brought news from other friends of a new baby, a new adopted daughter, and new weddings in the works. There is still so much to be grateful for.
It has been a hard winter. And I am tired, and I am tired and sick of the chemo regime I have been on since December. But I am grateful that I can still muster a positive attitude, I am grateful for joy, I am grateful to have the relative ability to pass as "life is normal" in my community and daily life. I have kept my head down this winter, tried to keep our family and kids operating in as much "normal" as I could muster. Most days I have succeeded amazingly. Some days I have needed rescuing, but as my rescuer has usually been Bob, I think it's actually made our marriage tighter, more honest, happier.
Tomorrow (Friday) marks for me the one year anniversary of the day I stepped through the door into cancer-land. A year ago was the day I went in to get the mammogram and ultrasound. Within the next couple days I had started the first of my emails that led to writing here.
I think you can all make guesses about how thankful I am for this year, and for the support so many people have shown our family. What you may not know is how strongly I feel about the practice of being thankful, as an activity in and of itself. For me it is something like prayer, with no asking, just appreciating.
When I turn my thoughts to being thankful, it's a way to show my gods/the universe that I am paying attention to the abundance and opportunity of this beautiful life. I have said for years "The universe not only appreciates it when you notice beauty, but often rewards you for paying attention." The universe loves love, gratitude is awareness of that love.
I have also come to appreciate (!!) in the last year how the act of being thankful can reinforce the habit of thinking positively rather than negatively. It's too easy to believe the little voices in our heads that talk smack to us: the ones that judge others and ourselves, the voices of fear and shame and worry. It's too easy to look at the awful, unjust and unexpected tragedy in the world and only see the negative. When you start saying thank you, you focus on the good. It's simple to the point of sounding inane, but it is a true thing: the more you can focus on something, the more you find of it.
I am choosing to find good.
So, think of your gratitude like a seed that you are sowing. Cultivate it, water it, weed it. Imagine how beautiful it will be when it is grown.
What are you going to be thankful for today?
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