Hiding Out

Yes, I admit it: I've been hiding from you.

Yes, all of you: you know who you are.  I haven't been returning your phone calls, your emails, or posting blogs.  I haven't been responding to mail or blog comments or facebook posts.

Yeah, I've been hiding out.

I've been hiding out while still living my day to day life.  In fact the day to day has been more "normal" in the last month than it has been since I found that lump last February. 

I can now take care of the kids all day, and we started the school year this month. The boys are on soccer teams, Emme's doing preschool, I'm doing our laundry and grocery shopping, and we're slowly getting the property ready for fall & winter.  My body is healed up nicely from surgery, and I may even be coming to terms with the hormonal waves I have to surf because of my abrupt drop into menopause.  I'm still going for my Herceptin drips every 3 weeks, and plotting with my oncologist about next steps in treatment.  I'm knitting a  sweater for Emelia, I'm cleaning out my office and getting back on top of my work for our business.  I've been picking blackberries, making jams, going on dates with my husband and out for drinks with my girlfriends.  Yes, I've been living a pretty full and active life lately.

Nonetheless, I've still been hiding out.

If you knew how many times over the last eight weeks I had started this particular "hello again" blog post and then deleted it (fifteen times? twenty times?) then you would understand the extent of the problem.

Cause it is a problem, this hiding out. 

It's dishonest.  It's leaving you all with the impression that everything is all hunky dory perfect when I know it's not.  Don't get me wrong---physically I am still doing GREAT, no cancer known as of this writing... but that's the point: there's no real certainty on this path.  And my guts and my brain, the core of me knows this: it's not over yet.

Dealing with metastatic cancer is not a simple story, even when it turns out that you might have a knack for making miracles happen.  'Cause even if you can clear the cancer from your body, there's still an awful lot of thoughts and emotions that seem to pile up inside, none of which are easy to sort, or easy to process.  And let's be honest about the big fear: where has all that cancer gone?  Is it hiding out too?

You all know that the last post I made, the "bring on the sunflowers!"... you all know that wasn't really the end of the story, right?  No worries if you thought it was: it was a pretty dramatic post, and still remains great news....

But it's time to understand that it was really just... the end of Act One.  So now, we've been in an intermission for awhile, but the interlude is ending.  As your playwright and main character I promise to get back on stage and fill in the gaps, make sure the throughline is clear.

No big drama!!  No awful news, I promise!  It's just that this story is nowhere close to being finished.

The seasons turn, we spiral towards a new year.  Sunflowers do the thing they do best: make seeds and get ready for the spring that is to come.

In future posts I'd like to share with you more of the question marks, more of the loose ends that I am trying to figure out.  Some of these future blog posts may be a little less polished, a little more raw.  Some future blog posts may even appear to have nothing to do with having cancer (hmm, now that sounds exciting!)

Thanks again, and continuously, for all your support over the months.  And thank you for reading these words--I need to be doing this writing, and your kind and generous comments here keep me honest, even when what I'm feeling and trying to write about seems elusive or confusing to me.  Thank you for joining me on this journey, going the long way on this scenic route.

I'll quit hiding now.

Comments

[Stein]

Maybe that's why they call it "HIDE AND SEEK".
Love you, where ever you are, Stein.

[lynn boyle]

On your time Erin, you know you are loved dearly.. We are here....perfect blog post.. Thank you.
Ps. it was fun seeing you the other night:)

[Dana]

Erin, Welcome back... it's nice to hear your voice.

[Jill Carlson]

Thanks for sharing your journey! You know I love you and I am here for you!! xoxo

[Ali Hasenkamp]

You may be hiding from us, but we are all watching over you and your family. You have a blanket of love and prayers that has been wrapped around you. It's just fine for you to curl up, nice and cozy like, and hide... Love you, my sweets!

[louise]

I love your honesty, Erin. It's all part of what makes you so wonderful. Just take care of you and do what you have to do, Girl.

Keep writing, too. It's great.

Hope we see you soon.

xo Louise and Pete

[Gerard]

Along with everyone else who faithfully reads your posts (returning again and again to se if there is a new one) I love you, and am thrilled that you are here to struggle with the inherent uncertainties implicit in being a cancer survivor, or in fact, simply a survivor.

That core of raw honesty to which Louise referred has always been tied to your personal inner light (at least from my viewpoint) and has been an essential, integral part of your deep and abiding beauty for as long as I've known you. You may recall a scant 20 some-odd years ago I predicted you would be one of those women who was beautiful on a life-long basis . . . I feel I'm *totally* vindicated in that view - and as always, that beauty is both internal and external - you make all of our worlds the richer for being here, and sharing of yourself as directly, as generously as you do. Thank you.

You earned your respite from all of our hopeful, wishful eyes and ears (loving though they all are) with your unflinching openness throughout your current journey - I'm glad you're reconnecting in this way, but I'm also glad you took the break you needed . . . know you are loved, wished well, prayed for by many many folks, all round our little world. And, definitely by me.

Gerard

[roman]

i love you. don't tell bob. xo

[Thomas]

Erin, you are in every sense of the word, my hero.

Thomas

[Anna]

Erin, you can hide out all you like. I'll be checking back in, thinking of you, soaking up the energy you share here whenever you share it.

Anna

[connie lynch]

my god i love you my friend wow its alot i know erin you are a fantastic writer the rife frequency machine molecular enhancer also the biomat helped amy alot araline has openings because amy is gone now i have a hulda clark frequency zapper we use used all the time its petite in a carrying case like a mans dop kit i got whammy by the landlady monday by this document stating i must vacate immediately as i was live in caregiver employee with 24 hr notice well amys will states im still employed by and for her until our things and three kitties are in my new home maybe she is after the madonna collection or greedily insane so i am homeless free and certified by clackamas county caregiver did i understand you have trailer on property and shall we lookat me coming to help out etc ill be returning to 3 yards on 57th mt tabor area filled for unemployment as all income stopped day of her death and embrace my new life amys in my heart ive been on craigslist rental share etc erin i dont know what 2 say but the thankfulness you do the every second counts i know your photos are stunning honey you are amazing connie